How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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