True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
