she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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