I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
