So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
