dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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