I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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