my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
