Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
