I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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