Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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