I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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