Your face is a jimmy john
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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