I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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