We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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