last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
