My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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