As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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