sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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