I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
