are you so shy because you have an std?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
