Jerry, you need to find god
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
