I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
