Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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