life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
