my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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