Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
