i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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