I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
