fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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