I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
