dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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