I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
