Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
