I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
