This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
