I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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