My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
