I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
