I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
