I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
