bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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