I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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