I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
