i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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