my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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