maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
