She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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