He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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