i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
