I puked a lego.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
