I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
