I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
