so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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