I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
