I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
