Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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