if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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