**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
