I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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